almost 49, REALLY!

i am running into a new year
and the old years blow back
like a wind
that i catch in my hair
like strong fingers like
all my old promises and
it will be hard to let go
of what i said to myself
about myself
when i was sixteen and
twentysix and thirtysix
even thirtysix but
i am running into a new year
and i beg what i love and
i leave to forgive me

– Lucille Clifton

Even fortysix.
Even fortynine.

I’m about to be that age when, if someone actually had the nerve to ask me, and I actually had the nerve to tell them (I would; I’m not the type to lie), they wouldn’t believe me.

Forty nine.

Yeah.

Right.

(Fifty-two-and-not-wanting-to-admit-it-more-like.)

Forty+Nine.

49.

Blergh.

***

I told Husband tonight that I was really having a problem with “that death thing.” He laughed, like this was a recent discovery.

Posited that “the universe wouldn’t mind.”

I suggested that there might be a few people who might mind, maybe just a little, himself included.

I suggested that I might mind even more; although then he pointed out that I wouldn’t be “there” to “mind.”

God I hate it when he gets all Logical on me.

***

forty-@#$%*&-nine

How did this happen??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

(I swear, I was paying attention, but it was like I was in my 20s for something like 5 minutes or something, no exaggeration)

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