A former student left this beautiful book in my mailbox a couple of weeks ago, wrapped in beautiful paper which she had hand-calligraphied.
She knows I love to cook, and to have good friends sit around a table and talk. . . and this triggers two reactions in me.
Firstly, how amazingly thoughtful and wonderful it was for her to buy this and leave it for me; something she did as she headed off on a 6-month-long travel adventure demonstrating way more bravery at her young young age (just barely older then First Son) than I think I’ve demonstrated in my lifetime.
Secondly, how sad I am that I wasn’t braver when I was younger. I’m sure it’s not just me, wishing I could go back and do it again, and do SO many things differently.
And this voice in my head shouts “AND I WOULD” but then I realize how many wonderful things I have that I wouldn’t have if I had, so now I’m just lost, wondering how to feel.
I would, I wouldn’t, I wish I could, I’m glad I can’t.
At the end of yoga class tonight, the yoga teacher, a beautiful spirit herself, was recounting a conversation around a table after the funeral of a dear friend of hers (she’s Husband’s age, which leads me to believe her dear friend were likewise, I shudder with fear and gratitude). The gist of the conversation was: “What would you want your eulogy to say? Go live it.”
I wonder if my eulogy would say what I wanted it to. I know I would want it to say I valued meaningful work and my relationships (and how I cultivated them) were the most important things to me, but it’s been a long, long time since I made dinner for anyone but my family, a long, long time since I’ve spoken with some of my Best Friends Ever; it’s too many nights that I work too late and Only Daughter is only a few years away from being off on her own somewhere and wheredoesthetimegogoddamit.
We are having some friends over on Friday. I’m planning the menu. I’m looking forward to it. I’m wanting to do more of it. I’m wanting my life to be such that I can.
I’m thinking I’m going to have to make some choices, and some maybe sooner than I was thinking I was ready for.