I know I’ve said this already (it is a category, after all), but it really is never the end; at least not for as long as I’m still here

So two weeks ago Husband was in the hospital after chest pains and passing out in the middle of the night, and ended up with 4 stents in his arteries.

Last week, after much drama and discord, I resigned a position I should have quit years ago, and, while grateful for the luxury of getting to walk away, deeply hurt by the circumstances that made it necessary and worried about my future finances.

Today I found out I won a Fulbright award.

 

After a lifetime of chasing things; ambition and striving for more and better and more and better, I’ve just decided to sit with who I am and what I am and see what comes to me. I’m good at what I do and have worked really (really really) hard to get there. I’ve been thwarted by people and things I’ve never understood. Husband thinks it’s misogyny; I think it might be that, a little. But it might also be a lot of other things, and I spend a lot of time thinking they are things I’m supposed to learn from, so I can become More and Better.

But fuck it. Enough Learning already.

For a while, I’m just going to be.

Have I put this up here already?

“…You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the window.
Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied of expectation.
Relax. Don’t bother remembering any of it. Let’s stop here,
under the lit sign on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.”

Excerpt From: Antilamentation, Laux, Dorianne. “The Book of Men: Poems.” WW Norton, 2011. iBooks.